33rd Trip Around the Sun: I Know Myself, I Love Myself, I Trust Myself, I Forgive Myself

As I go into my 33rd trip around the sun

I am bruised

And have to stretch in the morning

My knees are scarred but I’m on my feet

I am tired but I am proud of the growing pains and the scars

Like I’m proud of the stretchmarks on my body

And the no to the zero amount of cares I hold in my hand

If I can count on myself to do anything it’s to take my licks

Slink off to heal

And get the back up

I don’t care if I have to crawl then limp to start walking again

I always get back up

But this year was the first time that basic faith

The primal will to survive was tested 

I thought - what is this life? 

Why does the world hate us?

Why is being Black a threat?

I reached the lowest low

But I fought

I treaded water

I floated

I panicked

I lost consciousness

But I didn’t drown

Through the numbing detachment 

I am hopeful for something I cannot see

I feel it stirring

I trust it

I was told by a spirit guide 

I was entering into a transitional phase this time last year

The little girl in me dreamt of Sunday’s exploring Bermondsey

The English countryside 

Weekend train rides to Paris

As I prepared to move to London

But I was scared

Afraid because I didn’t feel strong enough

I felt weak and insecure 

I had a hard time saying no

And could barely hear my own voice 

I was not centered or grounded in anything solid

Losing London was a devastation

But now I see this year was manifested

All the let downs

The pain

Intense struggles

But I asked for this

Cried for this

Ached for this

Got down on my hands and knees and prayed for this

I asked for growth

Transformational growth

Life changing and life altering growth

I forgot growth comes with real pain

But I endured through the waves

And now I am forever changed

I gained the most valuable gift

A possession worth more than any amount of money

I knew myself

I loved myself

I trusted myself

I forgave myself

See these aren’t just any words I strung together

These four simple lines were my daily mantras

I repeated them years

In the mirror

Driving through town

On breaks hiding in the bathroom

And mostly as I was taking the walk to work 

Filled with homogenous faces 

And small town smiles 

While Beyoncé’s 

2018 Homecoming’s cover

Lift Every Voice and Sing

Sang in my ears

Sometimes with triumph kicking at my feet

Or tears welling in my eyes

Just get through the day

Survive the day

I know myself

I love myself

I trust myself

I forgive myself

My dad gave these words to me years ago

For a man who can’t help himself he gave me a seed 

A seed I grew into a tree

A forest

Lush and dense

That seed grew into self worth

Love

Acceptance

Abundance

Gratitude

And self-esteem

It was always in me but I had to bend and splinter

Push through the soil

Bare bad weather

And heal through storm after storm

In order to witness the branches extend and strength 

Blooming flowers

And hosting life

Providing sustenance

Feeling whole and balanced

So my internal ecosystem could find its natural flow 

The 33rd year of life

The year my mama calls the Jesus Year

Though I’m more connected to the spirits of nature

My ancestors

And my guides

I can’t deny the vibrations of this trip

It is calming

Not because I know what to expect

But because I know and love myself more deeply 

Whatever this next year brings

I will be ok

I will find joy 

And know happiness in the small everyday things

I will keep smiling and allowing myself to cry

As I continue to embrace the duality and contradictions of life

Both light and darkness

Above all I will enjoy the journey

I’ve spent thousands of days doubting the power in my vulnerability

Thousands of days 

Battling myself

Waging war against my own heart

And now I will spend thousands of days loving myself

Nurturing my being

Watering my soul

Because now it is true

I know myself

I love myself

I trust myself

I forgive myself