How Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Empowers You

Setting healthy boundaries does not come with an instruction manual. For women, specifically for Black women, historically and socially enforcing our boundaries was not an option because of the enslavement of African people and their descendants.

But today, we have the option to own our whole selves through the boundaries we create individually. Prior to civilizations, our basic instincts of boundaries were essential in our human survival by guiding us in calculating imminent danger such as getting too close to animals or rival tribes which could harm us.

For those of us living in colonized societies, the ideas and beliefs around boundaries have dictated the way we are taught how to create them beginning in childhood. There is a generational process of treating children as second class citizens, where their boundaries are not considered, respected, or valued with little consideration about how this turns us all into adults who often do not have the tools to set healthy boundaries in relationships.

As children, we were forced to do things against our will. I’m not referring to cleaning our messy rooms or doing homework but through being told we had to hug adults, listen to what any adult told us, could not say ‘no’, and were punished for expressing emotions. This set many of us up to endure abuse, trauma, and continued fear about the consequences disclosing our feelings to others could bring. But before discussing how to set boundaries in relationships, first, we need to understand the meaning.

What are boundaries and why are they important

Boundaries are invisible and intangible lines that create space between you, your personal needs, feelings, and ownership from other people. They also provide guidance on how you expect to be treated and behaviors you are willing to accept or not accept. More importantly, boundaries play a huge part in our self-esteem development. In a tweet, boundaries keep us safe emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

“Reflect on what your boundaries are by focusing on how you feel after interactions with people.”

Lack of boundaries hurt us

For a child who is told not to cry when they are hurt either physically or emotionally, their adult self will likely hide their emotions or needs in relationships or bottle them up until they explode in anger. Instead of learning to accept their needs or wants as valid, it can create self-doubt.

Going further, not understanding where our invisible lines are drawn can drown us in co-dependent relationships seeking external validation through desperation for love or connection. In the past, I have distrusted my emotions or choices unless they were corroborated by someone else. The self-assurance I lacked developed a poor self-image where relying on the actions and attention of others directed me instead of trusting my wants and needs.

This can also be dangerous or life threatening, especially for women who do not have the skills to confidently advocate for themselves in relationships, often making them targets of abuse by men and unable to maintain safety.

Setting boundaries in relationships

Setting boundaries is a journey of unlearning what patriarchal culture has force fed us to believe as women. Saying ‘no’ is still not enough and we are passively aggressively told having high standards, confidence, and self agency makes us difficult or unattractive. But I admire women who possess strong boundaries and wanted to become one who didn’t care how people and or society responded because I was tired of feeling agitation, anger, and annoyance in my relationships.

Reflect on what your boundaries are by focusing on how you feel after interactions with people. When you leave a situation feeling triggered or upset, listen to what your body and mind are telling you and turn it into words by writing it down. This will help you make sense of what boundary you didn’t know existed was crossed so you can express this with a parent, friend, sibling, partner, or co-worker.

Address when boundaries are crossed

We all have said or done something hurtful to the people in our lives and it’s bound to happen from time to time in relationships because we are all imperfect humans. I have hurt people’s feelings by crossing their boundaries or responding in a less than loving manner. However, it doesn’t erase the impact it may have on you or others so sincere apologies and changed behavior are needed. When relationships are worth salvaging, having an honest conversation about what boundaries were disrupted and what you expect going forward has the potential to deepen your connection and create closer bonds. On the other hand, there are situations where the impact is scarring beyond remedy.

I had an experience where a parent of a white friend asked to take a photo with them wearing their Make America Great Again hat to send to my parents, who are obviously Black. It was unnerving that someone would knowingly taunt me with a racially, socially, and politically divisive slogan as a Black woman. I was hit with the ‘it’s just a joke’ but knew whatever was being implied was an insult, so I made a choice not to surround myself with them again.

Prepare for pushback but choose yourself

Setting this boundary came with some pushback but I learned to value my wants and needs to feel safe, supported, and appreciated as a Black woman in a country with hundreds of years of racism supporting its foundation. I require my closest relationships to be baked in allyship with white friends so I can exist fully without reservation.

When you set boundaries with people, prepare for some pushback or even volatility but know their response says more about them than you. Trust that your happiness and safety are far more important than their feelings, especially when the other person is committed to unchanged harmful behavior. Not everyone will respect you but it is your responsibility to respect yourself and walk away when you are not treated the way you require.

Society, families, partners, or friends do not dictate the boundaries you are allowed to have for yourself. For most, self-reflection and toxic experiences become the guideposts to how we desire to be honored in our relationships and over time it’s possible to learn how to express where our lines are drawn. Remembering that boundaries are meant to provide safety in our lives to prevent unnecessary harm emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually can give you the confidence to speak up for yourself and develop healthy relationships.